


When in Rome

by justlovetowrite



Series: Darker than Night [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Purgatory, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 09:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlovetowrite/pseuds/justlovetowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a thirty second promo, Dean discovers that Naomi has taken Cas and eliminated his ability to feel, making him into the perfect soldier, but when the perfect soldier is ordered to kill Dean, Dean refuses to make it easy. Flashbacks of Purgatory are also featured.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When in Rome

**Author's Note:**

> This story, a first in a series of three, was written after the fall finale of season 8, when I and many others, began theorizing about what exactly Naomi had done to Castiel. I also wrote this series for a good friend of mine who lives in Australia. This was my way of helping us both through that month and a half hellatus. Supernatural and all of its characters of course belong to Eric Kripke and his team of fantastic writers.

          Dean lay awake in another seedy motel room. He had done enough research on what might have happened to Cas, but he was still left with a giant, gaping hole. Someone or something had done this to his friend.

            Friend, he scoffed and rolled onto his side, facing the wall—stark, white, bland—and his thoughts rotated over the word friend. He had friends. Jo was a friend; she was dead. Pamela was a friend; she was also dead. Benny was a friend; he was forced to stay off all other hunter’s radar which meant keeping his distance from Dean. But Cas?

            He heard Sam shift sleepily in the bed next to him.

            He was still wide awake. He had prayed, last night, but that was fruitless. He had prayed the night before, too, and the night before that. He even stepped outside the motel, stood next to his Impala and called on Cas like he might have been hiding just around the dingy corner.

            He was suddenly thrust back to Purgatory and his endless search for an angel that did not want to be found, that wanted to stay and battle Leviathans and god knew what else instead of going home with him. He had fought so hard. He had resorted to torture even.

            And when he found Cas—he was weak with relief, joy surging through his tired and aching muscles, that same joy tracking across his face to nudge his mouth into a smile. He had found his angel. He had finally found his angel. Cas was smudged with dirt, his hair a wild mess, his clothes tattered, but he was alive. Why was this suddenly the best day of Dean’s life? He would have cried if Benny wasn’t standing right there, watching him, watching them so closely. Hell, he couldn’t even remember why Benny was in such a rush. Wasn’t this moment the whole reason he had been fighting and clawing and bleeding and torturing his way through Purgatory? He had prayed every night, _every night_ , without even a hint of acknowledgement from Cas. And even though Benny insisted that he give it up, he refused.

            He refused.

            So was Cas a friend? No. Was he family? The answer chimed loud and forceful in his ears.

            Yes! Yes! Yes!

            But there was more to it than that. There had always been more to it than that and he was forced to face that more in Purgatory. He faced it head on the moment Cas disappeared. What was that saying, again? You don’t realize how much someone means to you until they’re gone. Sure, he had been betrayed by a good friend, and yeah, he had been dealing with it the way he had dealt with everything else, with all his losses—his mom, his dad, Ellen and Jo, Sam over and over and over again—by wading deep into his river of denial. He put on his game face, smiled to mask the pain, and kept on going, kept on hunting. He pushed his grief and his sorrow and his pain further and further down. He wasn’t capable of saving those he cared about so why cry about it? Why not just accept it? And he did.

            But losing Cas that first time, watching him wade into that empty lake until he was nothing but fingers, and watching those son of a bitch leviathan erupt from his friend; it felt like the final straw. Something broke and masking the pain had gotten to the point of impossible. He had started carrying it around like some physical backpack. He fell into a bottle a lot harder than he ever had in his life, so hard in fact that he had become immune to its effects. Living no longer seemed like the viable option. He wanted missions that would potentially end his life. He wanted to take on the leviathan because he had no chance of winning. He just wanted it to be over. He was too tired. He was in so much emotional pain that his body ached. And there was nothing he could do about it, because _he_ was gone and he wasn’t coming back. He never even got to say goodbye. He never got the chance to fix it. He just wanted to fix it.

            Dean rolled onto his back. Why did he have to overthink everything? He needed sleep if he was going to resume the search for Cas, tomorrow. At least the angel wasn’t dead. At least that much he knew.

            He closed his eyes, but this only retrieved an image of the bloodied trench coat he kept folded in the trunk of every car he stole while his baby was on lockdown. Before he found his angel, a former shell of himself, but nonetheless alive, he would wait until Sam was asleep, leave whatever crap motel they were staying in, open the trunk of whichever car he had stolen for that week, and press his hand down into the fabric of Cas’s trench coat. This coat was all he had left. He once thought about discarding it, but found that he couldn’t do it. He had to believe that he would see the angel again. He had to hold onto hope that God (wherever he was) would be merciful to his floundering son.

            He was given a second chance to fix things when he found Cas. He remembered standing on the steps of Daphne Alan's house after knifing the demon pretending to be Emanuel, and gazing into the vacant eyes of his friend. Right then, he knew he was given a second chance to make things right and help Cas to regain the memories he had lost and rectify his mistakes. Dean just wanted things to go back to normal. He needed his angel to be his angel, again, and not some distorted version of who he used to be.

            So when Cas offered to join Dean in bringing down the head honcho leviathan, Dick, Dean was thrilled. Cas was back! Everything would go back to normal and they would be the brothers in arms they once were.

            They still had a lot of issues to resolve, but they could take them all one at a time, one day at a time.

            And then they were shuttled off to Purgatory. Normal was no longer in the cards, and to make matters a lot worse, Cas had vanished, leaving Dean alone to face off with every nasty creature Eve had ever made.

            Did Cas leave him on purpose? Yes, but it was to keep him safe from the leviathan; those monsters had made it a mission to hunt Cas down and kill him.

            Again, Dean was forced to shift onto his other side, facing the only window in that motel, slightly rusted and overlooking a strip joint. “Perfect,” he muttered under his breath.

            His thoughts continued to churn. “I found you in Purgatory,” he started, determination infused into his muscle structure. “Don’t think I won’t find you here! This place is nothing, Cas. And if they’ve dragged you back to Heaven, I’ll tear that place apart, too!” He shut his eyes. A memory seeping in amongst the others, this one a lot more profound than the rest…

 

            “Purgatory might be nice if it wasn’t so creepy,” Dean admitted, pointing out one of the taller trees on his side.

            The angel, the vampire, and the hunter had been roaming the dark, damp woods of Purgatory for two months, already. They had fought and bled and fought some more. There was barely a moment to rest, barely a moment to think about anything but the battle; and Dean just needed to hold onto some hope. 

            “This place is a jungle of monsters, Dean; there is nothing… nice… about it,” Cas said, eyes skyward.

            “I’m just trying to find a silver lining, here, Cas.”

            “I agree with the angel,” Benny added, glancing over at Cas briefly, “Purgatory isn’t nice.”

            “Jesus! I was just sayin…”

            “Shush!”

            Cas had his eyes level with Dean’s, holding them as he spoke in a voice barely above a whisper. “You need to run!”

            Dean stared at him, fighting back the urge to laugh. “Why the hell would I…”

            “Leviathan,” Cas hissed. “Go! Take Benny and run!”

            “We’re not leaving yo…”

            Benny had clapped his hand on Dean’s shoulder and was swiftly ushering him away. He tried to stop them; he tried to fight Benny in order to get back to Cas and the leviathan that would surely eat the angel alive, but he was suddenly and ruthlessly backed hard into a tree, so hard that he grunted.

            “What the hell,” he coughed.

            “We’ve got company,” the vampire hissed between gritted teeth.

            “Son of a bitch!”

            “You ready or do you need to pine over your boyfriend a little longer?”

            “Bite me, you blood sucking freak,” Dean fired, but these insults did not penetrate the vampire’s thick skin. Instead, Benny snorted out a laugh, and the two readied themselves for a fight.

            They were swiftly surrounded by all kinds of nasty creatures, including vampires, and when Dean could no longer see Benny through the massacre, Benny would whistle to let him know that he was still there.

            Dean chopped off heads and tore apart torsos and removed limbs. He bled from a cut lip, took a shot to the stomach and was unable to avoid sharp claws as they ripped through his shirt and dug ruthlessly into his flesh.

            Benny slapped Dean on the shoulder but didn’t ask about the war wounds. He knew Dean too well to think that Dean’s mind would be on himself. “He’s fine, brother. I guarantee it.”

            Creatures lay littered in scattered ruins across the ground while Dean and Benny stood in the center of the massacre covered head to toe in warm rich blood. It was getting dark. The trees were starting to cast grotesque shadows everywhere and red watchful eyes blinked in and out of existence.

            Dean dropped his weapon with a loud thunk into the earth and broke into a run through the trees. He had to hold back from screaming his angel’s name as those glowing red eyes followed him to where Cas had been forced to battle the leviathan on his own.

            He stopped only briefly to the sight of a crumpled form on the ground. “No,” he mouthed and sprinted forward, skidding down on his knees next to the angel. “Cas,” he called, gripping a handful of the trench coat in one hand. “Cas, hey!”

            A voice trickled forth tinged with blood and gravel and regret. “I’m… fine… Dean.”

            “You look it,” Dean retorted, “Come on, man, we need to get out of here.”

            Cas groaned. “No.”

            “I didn’t think he was dead,” Benny remarked, closing in on them.

            “You wanna help me here, Benny?” Dean asked, trying to loop one of Cas’s arms around his neck.

            Cas groaned again. “Just leave me here,” he ordered.

            “Not happening,” Dean snapped. “Benny,” he appealed a second time.

            Benny moved forward, “yeah, yeah, I’m comin.” He forced Cas’s other arm around his neck, allowing for the two of them to heave the angel to his feet. “There you go, buddy,” he added gruffly.

           

            They wandered through the trees, through the circle of gore where Dean retrieved his weapon, and into a clearing surrounded by taller trees and sharp brush that needled Dean’s arms and sides. Directly ahead was a cave. Since this was Purgatory, Dean was taking no chances.

            He helped Benny with lowering the injured and exhausted angel to the ground, propping him up against the nearest tree.

            “Stay with him,” he said to the vampire before taking up his weapon and advancing into the inky black nothingness of the cave, weapon held high. This place could be their refuge once Dean cleaned it out. They would have shelter from the cold and relentless torrential rains that pounded down on them nearly every night; tonight would be no different. They would have a place where Cas could recover without being on leviathan radar. With these thoughts to give him comfort, he ventured deeper into the cave, scanning the darkness for any sort of movement or possibly those gleaming red eyes.

            So far all was clear. He kept his weapon held high, though. He knew better than to trust the silence of Purgatory. He reached out and ran his hand along the surface of the wall, moist and slick to the touch. A soft drip, drip, drip indicated a leak somewhere but he couldn’t see where. He continued his investigation, but at some point, he had lowered his makeshift weapon. Even lowering his defence a little was a crucial error in Purgatory, especially when some of the creatures were small and difficult to detect even in the daylight. He was just about to make his way out, announcing to Benny that it was all clear when a loud screech shook his entire being. He was reminded of Cas’ attempt to talk with him using his real voice.

            Dean crumpled to his knees, the weapon falling free of his fingers and clattering across the floor of the cave. The screeching continued, causing him to writhe in agony with his hands over his ears, blood leaking from every orifice. He let out a strangled cry.

            “Cas wait!” Benny boomed from outside the cave.

            Two hands gripped tight to his arms and Dean was face to face with his angel. “Take your hands off your ears,” he demanded. “Now Dean!”

            Dean did as he was told, allowing for Cas to replace those hands with his own. The screeching stopped abruptly.

            “What are you doin dropping your weapon, Dean?” he heard Benny scold. “Have you learned nothing by bein here?”

            Dean felt his muscles relax and could only watch as Benny took up the weapon he had abandoned to attack the creature he had not seen until right now. It was small, about the size of a bat, but when it opened its mouth, its voice was bigger than all of Purgatory.

            “Come here, you little…” Benny hissed, taking a swing and missing, as the bat-like creature swooped over his head. “Bet you taste just like chicken, and I gotta admit, I’m starving.”

            Dean lay there, his fingers now curled tightly around both of Cas’ wrists.

            “You look like you’re havin fun, man,” Dean choked on a laugh, blood drooling over his chin.

            “Just like catchin a firefly, brother,” Benny remarked and took another swing only to miss a second time.

            “Why don’t you wait until the creature has landed,” Cas suggested.

            Benny stopped mid-swing to face the angel. “That ain’t no fun!”

            “I understand sarcasm,” Cas said.

            “I know you do.”

            Benny and Cas exchanged heated looks as though about ready to start arguing; just in time for the winged creature to land on the wall directly behind Benny’s head. Dean wanted to point it out, but was worried that the smallest movement might spook it. Sitting there with its wings folded, it looked more like a moth. Somehow, Dean didn’t think this creature had actually meant to attack him. It was just running on instinct, like Dean, like them. It was protecting its home and its life.

            “Benny, wait,” Dean called, surprised by his surging emotions.

            Benny gazed down at him. “Remember what I told you, Dean. You can’t trust no one, here.”

            “Look, I’ll kill whatever I have to in order to survive, Benny, but that thing… whatever it is, wasn’t hurting anyone, okay?”

            Benny groaned and backed away from the stirring creature that was now crawling back up to the ceiling. “Damn you and your humanity,” he mumbled.

            Cas removed his hands from Dean’s ears and helped him to his feet smoothly. “You’re still bleeding,” he pointed out.

            “Yeah, well, I deserved it for movin in on someone else’s territory,” Dean said, and the three of them moved closer to the entrance of the cave.

            “Imagine havin a voice that could kill,” Benny mused as they sat on the cold floor beneath several glittering stalactites.

            “If I had a camera, I’d have shown Sammy as soon as I got topside,” Dean added with a nod.

            Cas was silent, constantly gazing out into the dark fog that would soon turn into a thick sheet of cold rain. Dean had never felt so hungry or so thirsty in his entire life. He thought about downing a sixty of Hunter’s Helper and his stomach groaned. Neither the vampire nor the angel needed any kind of sustenance; both didn’t need to sleep. Dean sagged a little and was surprised to find that a folded coat was waiting for him.

            “Cas,” he spoke through his exhaustion, fighting to keep his eyes from closing. “I can’t sleep… don’t let me sleep…”

            “You need your four hours,” Cas reminded.

            “We’ve got a portal to find,” Dean argued, but his eyes had closed despite his protest.

            “We’re not finding anything in this, brother,” Benny told him, resting the weapon close to Dean in case he needed it. Dean wrapped his fingers around the handle. “We’re safe for now.”

            “We’re never safe,” Dean muttered.

            “Sleep, Dean. I’ll watch over you,” Cas promised. Dean’s protests waned and soon… he was out, the rain pounding a surprisingly comforting rhythm against their thick, smooth stone shelter.

            Dean awoke to find that he had buried his face into the fabric of the trench coat. It stunk like blood and dirt and Purgatory fog, but the smell soothed him. Maybe because he was content just knowing that all these smells meant that Cas was still alive, still travelling with them and not off god knows where fighting off leviathan without him and Benny to help. Or worse still… dead. The thought was unnerving.

            Outside the cave, his two comrades were arguing—again.

“Why did you save me, Benny? It’s clear that we are not friends and yet, you risked your life to save me from a leviathan. Why?”

            “I think the better question here, is why the hell were you trying to ditch Dean?”

            Dean pulled himself up to a sitting position, but didn’t move to confront his two friends who bickered a lot more when he was not with them. But both had a point. Both had questions that Dean wanted the answers to.

            “We both know I’m not going back home.”

            “So you attempt suicide?” Benny exclaimed, his voice rising above its normal octave.

            “I was trying to direct the rest of the leviathan away from Dean… and you… his first real companion since I…” Cas stopped midsentence. He was clearly not going to give the vampire too much fuel. “Let’s just say… I owe him and leave it at that.”

            “Obviously, I’m out of the loop,” Benny admitted and cleared his throat, “but it don’t seem like you two are just… friends… if you get my drift.”

            “It’s hard not to… get your drift,” Cas remarked.

            “That was the point.” Dean was sure he could hear the smirk in Benny’s tone. Even he got the vampire’s drift.

            “Aww come on,” Dean hissed, “Seriously?”

            “Why did you save me?” Cas asked, veering away from the “just friends” topic.

            Benny’s new tone was matter of fact. “I would’ve thought that was obvious, friend. You are the most important thing to Dean.”

            “I sincerely doubt that.”

            “Doubt it if you must, but I was with him on the search for you and he never stopped. Not even when we kept hittin dead ends and I insisted we give up and move on to more important things, like getting the hell out of here. Not even then. I was forced to strike a bargain that meant putting you ahead of the escape hatch. I had no choice. We could’ve gotten outta here a lot sooner, but he wasn’t leaving without you. I guess that was my first clue.”

            “And I thought I was crazy,” Cas exhaled.

            “Oh you are! You’re crazy as a bedbug, but I don’t think Dean cares.”

            Dean had heard enough. He gathered Cas’ coat in his arms and escaped the mouth of the cave to land in a squishy puddle of fresh mud. “Aww crap,” he moaned, tugging his boots free one at a time. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another.”

            “Rain tends to do that, Dean,” Cas pointed out.

            “I’d rather fight with mud than the leviathan,” Benny added with a smirk.

            “Can’t argue with you there, Benny.” He straightened, handing the trench coat to Cas. “We better keep on moving. We’ve only got a limited amount of time before it starts pissing again.”

            Benny nodded and clapped Dean’s shoulder. “This way! I know a shortcut.”

            “Last time you said you knew a shortcut, we got ambushed by vampires. I think we should just take the long way,” Cas said, glancing over at Dean briefly.

            “That was a mistake on my part; won’t happen again,” Benny offered.

            “Besides, it’s not like the three of us can’t take out a bunch of blood suckers,” Dean said and nudged Cas’ arm with his elbow.

            Dean fell back, waiting for Benny to leave a wide gap between them. Cas paid it no mind as he continued to walk alongside Dean without asking questions. “So you’re on a suicide mission?” Dean started in a low growl. “What’s the plan exactly? Just stand there and let the leviathan kill you?”

            “You misunderstand…”

            Dean grabbed Cas’ arm, pulling him to an abrupt halt on the winding muddy path. “Either you’re going to throw yourself to the leviathan or you’re going to bolt.”

            “I’m here to keep you safe, Dean,” Cas charged, eyebrows drawing forward, eyes intense almost threatening. “Humans don’t belong here!”

            “Angels don’t belong here, either, Cas!” Dean fought, trying to keep his voice down so as not to alert any creatures.

            Cas said nothing, just pressed his lips together firmly, his jaw working furiously. He wanted to say something.

            “I’m not the one who’s in danger,” Cas spoke through gritted teeth.

            “I can handle the leviathan, man! You really gotta give me a lot more credit!”

            “You can handle one or two, but you are not capable of defending yourself against hundreds or thousands, and that’s how many are after me! You and I both know that you and Benny are better off without me!”

            Dean choked on a laugh. “You kidding me?”

            “I am not…”

            “Don’t finish that,” Dean ordered gently, “Just listen, okay? We’ll get out of here if I have to force us out. You’re not goin off to get chomped by a big mouth and you’re not going to lead me on another wild goose chase because the first one was Hell. I know you don’t get it because you’re an angel and this whole human thing can sometimes be over your head, but I don’t want you to take anymore bullets for me, understand? I don’t need you to protect me or watch over me or guard me; I just need you to be here. That’s it. Just… be here.” Dean gestured to the ground for emphasis.

            Cas blinked, trying to comprehend these words but making no sense out of them. “I don’t understand. What is the point of being here?”

            “There is no point,” Dean laughed, and pressed a hand to the angel’s shoulder, “ _That’s_ the point.” 

            Cas nodded slowly, but he was still clearly confused. “I don’t really know what you’re asking, Dean, but… I’ll be here… if that’s really what you need.”

            “It is, Cas.”

            Benny’s voice echoed through the thick tangle of trees. “You two comin or what? The faster we find this portal, the faster we can get out of here and start livin the good life topside.” He emerged into a spot of dirty and dim daylight, scratching his beard as he gestured at them. “And you two can do whatever it is the two of you do.”

 

            “Dean! Hey, Dean, phone’s ringin!”

            Dean had fallen asleep, not for his usual four hour stint, but he still managed to recharge a little. His cell phone vibrated impatiently on the nightstand next to him and he snatched it to glance at the caller ID. “Jesus!” he hissed, answering the call with a groan, “You lonely or something? What’s with the wake-up call?”

            “Sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep, but I’ve got news I think you’ll be interested to hear.”

            “Depends on the news,” Dean muttered.

            “Of course I know that, brother. I’m referring to our winged friend from Purgatory.”

            Dean sat straight up, clutching the phone so tight his fingers ached. “What the hell are you talking about, Benny?”

            “Cas. You remember him, don’t ya? I can’t imagine you wouldn’t being as close as you were before you took that final leap.”

            “You need to get to the friggin point, man!” Dean pressed, already climbing out of bed and straightening his shirt.

            “Your angel is here, Dean, in my neck of the woods here in Minnesota. Not saying I’m not tickled with joy to his abrupt visit, but he don’t seem right, if you get my drift.”

            From the other side of the room, Sam was watching Dean with a look of bewilderment etched into his otherwise tired features. “Uh… what’s going on?” he asked, sliding to the foot of his bed.

            “It’s Cas,” Dean gasped, pulling his jacket on and taking a swig from the bottle of whiskey he had left uncapped on the table.

            “Oh my god,” Sam breathed in response, his muscles catching up to his brain as he sprang up ready to leave the motel behind in a swirl of forgotten dust.

            “Dean, you still there?” Benny called, “What are you wanting me to do here?”

            Dean had to shift his phone to his other ear. “Keep him there, okay? Just… don’t let him leave. We’re coming now.”

            “Where is he?” Sam asked.

            “Minnesota,” Dean replied, zipping up his jacket, capping his bottle of whiskey, and walking out into the cold spray of daylight.

            “I guess I can stall him for a little while, but you need to hurry,” Benny insisted.

            “I’m on my way to you. Just text me the address.” Benny did just that and Dean found himself seeking out a small café in the suburbs of Minnesota. Why would Cas be there? Was he okay or would he be meeting crazy Cas face to face a second time? All he knew was that Cas was being manipulated by upper management. He still had no idea why. He also knew that the mother manipulator’s name was Naomi and he wanted desperately to take off her head. The last time he saw Cas, the angel was bleeding, his expression blank as though he had been lobotomized. Dean tried to call him, kept asking if he was okay only to receive silence in response. Then he just vanished. He was bleeding, helpless, and he was whisked off to god knows where, possibly to endure further torture.

 

            “Maybe you should let me drive, man,” Sam suggested, alerting Dean from his turbine of thoughts.

            “No, I’m fine,” he muttered, gripping the steering wheel tighter than was necessary.

            “You’re not all here,” Sam said in the kindest voice possible. “Obviously, this whole mess with Cas is getting to you.”

            He swallowed hard over the lump in his throat and nodded. “You’re right, Sam,” he admitted without denying it further. What was the point? It was probably magic markered across his face by now. “This mess with Cas is getting to me.”

            “You can’t think this crap with Naomi is your fault?” Sam murmured.

            “No,” Dean replied, “But this pattern of losing him then getting him back then losing him again feels like punishment. Right when I think I can fix things; right when I think I can convince him that all’s forgiven, something like this happens!”

            Sam shifted a little in his seat and nodded. “Look, man, maybe this is something else—maybe this is a test?”

            Dean took his eyes off the road briefly to fire a look at his brother. “A test? What kind of test?”

            “I dunno… maybe a test of faith?”

            “You think God is testing me?”

            “I think God tests all of us, Dean. I think we are given a chance to make a certain choice, either to give up or to keep going.”

            Dean scowled at his brother. “I don’t think God should be messin with us like that, especially since he’s currently MIA.”

            Sam nodded, but he had another theory. “Fine, maybe God isn’t the one testing us, Dean. Maybe it’s something else?”

            “Like who? Naomi? Man, I’d love to tear that bitch’s head off right now! And if it were possible…”

            “Love,” Sam interrupted, and even though his voice was soft, the delivery had enough impact to rock Dean off his stable foundation.

            “Jesus! What?”

            “Difficult concept, I know, but you’re not oblivious to it. And believe it or not, this isn’t the first time you’ve felt it and tried to run away.”

            “Oh come on, man! Give me a break, already!”

            “Dean…”

            “This isn’t love, alright!” He laughed at the absurdity of it. “And I’m not running from anything! I’m trying to help a friend!”

            There was that word, again. Don’t overthink it, he ordered himself, keeping his eyes rooted to the road ahead.

            “Cas isn’t a friend,” Sam argued, biting down hard on the word to emphasize how wrong it was. “He’s family!”

            “It doesn’t really matter what he is, Sammy, cause right now he’s been messed up by the angels for god knows what reason and he needs our help!”

            Sam nodded in agreement, but Dean knew that once Cas was better, this argument would resume right where it left off.

 

            They arrived in front of a café appropriately called It's Fate and Dean parked his impala at the curb before climbing out, Sam right behind, as he strolled through the doors into the rather elegant café. Sitting on a stool, back straight, shoulders square, trench coat on but not buttoned, was Cas. He was talking to Benny who stood behind the counter, drying the inside of a tea pot with a crisp white towel.

            “Benny?” Dean started, approaching the counter with apprehension.

            “Dean,” the vampire greeted with a toothy grin. “What would you like, buddy? We got all different flavours of coffee? Some don’t even taste like coffee. Figure that.”

            “I uh… I’m good, thanks.”

            The angel turned to face him, blue eyes clearly recognizing him and yet his voice was toneless. “Hello, Dean.”

            “Cas,” Dean replied, glancing to Sam who stepped up alongside him.

            “Hey, Cas,” Sam greeted.

            “Sam,” Cas acknowledged with a nod. “I was told to wait here for the two of you.”

            “Looks like you did,” Dean said, swallowing hard. The lump in his throat had grown. “You gonna tell us what happened?”

            “I’ll leave you to it, then?” Benny asked, taking a full pot of coffee off the burner behind him. “Maybe you can grab a table before you hash things out?” and he gestured to an empty one next to the desert carousel.

            “Sounds good,” Sam admitted, taking Dean’s arm to guide him away from the counter. Cas calmly and quietly followed. Sam and Dean took one side of the table while Cas seated himself on the other side, staring from one to the other blankly.

            There was definitely something off about him. “I’m surprised the two of you are here. I don’t suppose you have already found the second half of the tablet?”

            Dean laughed in spite of the situation.

            “What’s so funny?” Cas asked, eyes unblinking.

            “You’re surprised we’re here?” Dean echoed and laughed again, but this laugh was full of grief and pain. “You do remember what happened to you, right? What that bitch Naomi did to you?”

            Cas nodded slowly. “She has sent me on an important mission, Dean,” Cas replied nonchalantly. “I am to seek out and retrieve the remaining tablets. She insists that she is on the search for Metatron.”

            “Right, the angel scribe or whatever,” Dean mumbled.

            “You don’t want to do that alone, do you, Cas?” Sam asked, folding his arms on the table.

            Cas tilted his head to peer at Sam quizzically. “I am an angel, Sam. I do not require human assistance.”

            “When’s that ever stopped us,” Dean reminded. “And anyway, I thought you wanted to become a hunter. What’s with this new mission?”

            “I’m sorry, Dean… you seem upset.”

            Dean had to grip the underside of the table. “I’m pissed,” Dean growled. “And you should be too, Cas! You shouldn’t be working with that manipulative little…”

            “Take it easy, man,” Sam soothed.

            Cas seemed completely unruffled. “Finding the tablets is necessary. If I find the tablets and bring them to Heaven, Crowley will have no leverage; therefore he will be powerless.”

            Dean inhaled slow then exhaled even slower. “Look, you wanna go off to hunt down God’s word, awesome! But you’re not going alone, okay? We work better as a team.”

            “You can’t help me, Dean; you and your brother are human.”

            “You wanna let us try at least? We haven’t steered you wrong before.”

            Cas shook his head. “No. I appreciate the suggestion, but I am better off doing this alone.”

            Dean stood abruptly. “What is wrong with you, man? Since when do you go it alone, huh? Is this supposed to be some kind of self-punishment? So you made a mistake, so what? It’s not like Sam and I can’t help you fix it!”

            Cas stood, too, followed by Sam who was unsure how to act as mediator, here. “I don’t know why you’re so upset, Dean. Parting ways was inevitable.”

            “Parting ways?” Sam echoed unsure how to interpret this wording. “Are you… leaving?”

            “Technically, I have already left. I thought my absence was obvious.”

            “You weren’t even going to say goodbye?” Dean choked.

            “Why would I do that?”

            The angel looked genuinely baffled by this. What the hell did Naomi do to him? “Cas…”

            The angel rolled his eyes over to the hunter. “It’s Castiel, Dean, and I have work to do.”

            Dean snatched the sleeve of Cas’ trench coat before he could take off, leaving them there without an explanation. “Work can wait.”

            “It can’t,” Cas told him. “You should really let go of my coat.”

            “She did something to you,” Dean growled, “That stupid…” he took a breath, “I’m going to kill her, Cas. I’m going to waste her like I’d waste any other monster, angel or no angel.”

            Cas cleared his throat, waved at Benny, and led Dean outside the café. “I meant to discuss something with you, Dean; it was actually the reason I waited for you this long. You understand that your prayers are distracting. I don’t want to have to block the transmission, but I will if I have to.”

            Dean choked back the bile that had risen in his throat. He was speechless.

            Cas continued. “If you need a hand, I’ll help as per the guardian agreement, but I would appreciate that you keep the unnecessary prayers to a minimum.”

            “What the hell is the guardian agreement?” Dean finally managed.

            “I come to your aid should you need angel assistance.”

            “Jesus!”

            “That is blasphemy, Dean. Are we done here?”

            Dean felt like he was in the middle of making a business transaction with some nameless associate. What the hell was happening? It was like Cas didn’t give a damn about him or Sam. He felt his emotions swell and attempt to choke him. That was what Naomi had done to Cas! She had stripped him of his emotions, his ability to care. He was the perfect soldier now. He would do what upper management told him to do because he belonged to them. How could Dean possibly fix this? Cas was supposed to be his angel not theirs. The door to the café opened and the angel sighed upon sight of Sam.

            “Ah Sam, your brother is very emotional right now and I can only ascertain that he needs you since I cannot do much to comfort him.”

            “Uh…” Sam stammered, gripping Dean’s shoulder, “Sure… but uh… are you going to visit or…?”

            “Of course not. That is not part of the guardian agreement.” Without even a last look in their direction, he was gone, possibly for good. And Dean wasn’t even allowed to contact him to ask if he was okay. He wasn’t allowed to call unless he needed him.

            “It’s okay, Dean, we’re going to figure this out,” Sam said in a tone meant to be reassuring.

            “That bitch stripped him of his emotions,” Dean spat, so angry that he wanted to thrust his fist through the wall of the café.

            “We’ll fix him,” Sam promised as they headed back to the impala.

            “How do we fix him, Sam?” Dean snapped, “It’s not like we can force him to feel, again! He doesn’t even care! Naomi got what she wanted; Cas is a soldier, a complete douchebag like all the rest!”

            Sam nodded and climbed in behind the wheel as Dean sagged against the passenger’s side door. “We can’t give up, Dean; more importantly, you can’t give up.”

 

            They arrived back at Rufus’s cabin just in time for darkness to fall. Linda Tran had decided to check in just to let the brothers know that they were still safe and sound, but had still not received any word on the last half of the tablet. Kevin was working on interpreting the tablet as best he was able, but they were still out of luck when it came to sealing the gates of Hell for good.

            Dean slugged back a mouthful of whiskey and swallowed hard.

            Sam sat at the table, working diligently on his tablet in search of locations where another word of God might be found. “There was a lightning storm in Rome, a hailstorm in Winnipeg…”

            “Where’s that?” Dean asked, turning partway with a full glass in his hand.

            “Uh… Canada,” Sam replied.

            “A hailstorm in Canada doesn’t sound too prophetic,” Dean mumbled.

            “It does when the hail is baseball sized.”

            Dean swirled the alcohol in his glass and took another slug. “I’m not going to Canada just because they happen to be gettin a case of large hail.”

            “Large is an understatement, Dean,” Sam said, turning in his chair to face him. “And we have a better chance of catching up with Cas again, if we start tracking these tablets ourselves.”

            Dean finished off his whiskey. “Fine, but I need my four hours so we’ll get on the road then.”

            Sam agreed.

            Sleeping was impossible. Dean tossed and turned in restless thought mixed with memories, but he didn’t sleep, not even close. He was remembering Purgatory, again. He was remembering when his angel was still his and not the property of upper management douchenozzles like Naomi.

 

            “Are you asleep, Dean?”

            “You’ve asked me that, twice already, Cas. What’s going on?”

            The portal was close though not close enough for Dean’s liking, and now the path had narrowed, the brush had gotten thicker and the monsters had doubled up on their attacks. Unable to find a proper place to sleep, they were forced to follow an even tighter path down to a small stream where there was enough room for all of them to spread out. Cas didn’t sleep; instead he played the role of night watchman, inspecting the sky for any sign of the leviathan as he paced from one end of the stream to the other.

            “You haven’t slept in a few days,” Cas remarked, crouching down to scrutinize Dean, his eyes narrowed.

            “We’re in Purgatory. I’ve gotta keep one eye open at all times,” Dean mumbled, knowing that there was more to his insomnia than that, and the majority reason just happened to be gazing down at him.

            Cas leaned forward a little, shrugging out of his trench coat to drape it over Dean’s shivering form. “I’m not leaving, Dean. There is no need for you to be on the defensive.”

            “Force of habit,” Dean said, relaxing into the dry sand.

            “I’ll wake you if necessary.”

            Dean groaned, his eyes reluctantly closing. “I told you…”

            “I know what you told me, Dean, and I’m here. But I’m still your guardian, even in this place, especially in this place.”

            Dean was about to protest, but his words never gained the momentum they needed to find their way out. They stayed poised on his tongue. Warmth, the likes of which he had never known, travelled through him like a cap full of rich whiskey. The angel had placed a hand firmly on his head, fingers slipping ever so gently through his hair. He knew he would be asleep soon, but he wanted to stay awake long enough to savour this feeling, like nothing could go wrong and home was only inches away. He was drifting away from sight and sound and touch, the angel’s incredibly soothing touch.

 

            “Rise and shine, brother! We are so close now,” announced his comrade, Benny in that familiar southern drawl. Dean pulled himself up, gathered the trench coat and walked it over to the angel that was now sitting on a large boulder, overlooking the stream.

            “Wanna slide over a bit?” he asked, startling Cas.

            “Uh… yeah, of course, Dean,” he replied and moved over enough for Dean to take a comfortable seat next to him.

            “I’m not gonna miss it,” he said, gazing down at the one slice of beauty that existed here. The stream was clear beneath a low gauzy shroud of fog. Beneath the clear water were colorful stones gently knocking into each other like slow moving marbles; this stream stood in sharp contrast to this place. Then there were the sky scraping trees and the strange creatures that belonged to this realm but weren’t necessarily evil. Something that looked like a squirrel but was black with beady red eyes and a white stripe across the top of its head scurried up into one of the trees to take refuge in a small hole that had been carved into the trunk. The large rust colored leaves rustled in response to a light gust of wind.

            Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was going to miss it. Somehow, through all the combat and the blood and the fear and pain, this wretched place had become home. He knew how to interpret the shadows as either monsters or the movement of lively branches. He didn’t quake to the sight of beady red eyes, anymore. He knew what those eyes belonged to, now.

        There were other creatures that prowled the dense jungle at night that were just searching for food and shelter.

        In fact, they had just recently met one. The Purgatory creature had stopped to stare at Dean, eyes red and gleaming but surprisingly innocent. It could have been a deer if not for the two antennae protruding from on either side of its spiked head. The smoky gray fur stood straight up and it pawed the ground with clawed hooves before moving forward to examine Dean with its antennae, each one grazing his cheeks.

            “Dean,” Cas hissed behind his shoulder.

            “Don’t move, Cas,” he instructed the angel, breathing in and out but making no sudden movements that might cause the creature to attack.

            “Well, isn’t that just the sweetest thing I ever did see,” Benny teased.

            “Shuttup, Benny,” Dean snapped.

            “She ain’t gonna hurt you,” Benny offered.

            “I know…” He was barely breathing as the creature finished assessing him. Releasing a loud snort of approval, she nudged her dark head beneath Dean’s hand. For a Purgatory creature, she had the softest fur, smooth and warm against his calloused palm. He scrubbed the top of her head affectionately, looking back to mouth “awesome” to both Cas and Benny.

            Cas managed a smile and Benny laughed.

            “Can we keep her?” he whispered, “she’s not exactly a cat like you wanted, Cas, but she’s hard to resist.”

            The creature nuzzled into Dean’s chest and tracked her antennae across the top of his head. “She’s cute I’ll give you that, but she’s better off stayin here with her own kind,” Benny suggested, approaching cautiously. “That’s a good girl,” he cooed, stretching his hand out to the creature in a friendly gesture. She snapped her head up, opened her mouth and tried to take a chunk out of Benny’s palm. He dodged those sharp jaws just in time. “Forgot to mention, she ain’t exactly vampire friendly.”

            “Look at those teeth,” Dean gasped, trying to calm the now riled creature by scratching up along her neck.

            “This is Purgatory. She’s not going to be as innocent as Bambi.”

            Dean nodded and motioned Cas over. “She’ll like you, Cas.”

            The angel was tentative about touching the creature, but when she lifted her head to acknowledge him, she bowed in complete submission. Cas pressed his hand to her head and stroked his fingers through her fur. “You’re right, Dean, she is difficult to resist.”

            “Don’t I feel like the odd one out,” Benny intoned from the sidelines.

            A snarling voice hissed through the trees and Dean rounded on a monster with a sharp needle protruding from his palm and vampire fangs. “Jesus! A Jefferson Starship!”

            “Dean Winchester, the human trapped in Purgatory,” the starship retorted with a grotesque sneer that showed off his yellowed teeth. “I see you made some friends.”

            Cas stepped in front of the creature. “You shouldn’t have come alone,” he growled menacingly.

            “Castiel, good to see you again!”

            Dean pulled his weapon into view and a drop of light glinted off the edge of the blade. “Coming here unarmed was a really bad move on your part,” Dean said.

            “What makes you think I’m unarmed, Winchester?”

            The deer-like creature snorted and pawed at the ground, teeth shining dangerously. Cas grabbed Dean’s arm instinctively. “He brought an army of leviathan with him, Dean.”

            The jefferson starship grinned. “You got that right, friend. I really don’t think you’ll have too much time to run.”

            Leviathan struck the earth like meteors and the spooked creature rose up on her hind legs. Dean swung his weapon out to slice the head of one leviathan, but the other leapt on him, opening his gaping jaws in order to swallow the hunter whole.

            “No!” Cas bellowed, wrestling the leviathan off of Dean until both monster and angel had landed hard in the dirt. Dean was pulled to his feet by Benny, but a gash lay open on his arm.

            Two more leviathan struck the earth, knocking Dean off his feet. There were already more than they could fight, and Cas was currently occupied with the one that had just tried eating Dean.

            The jefferson starship was laughing a grating, terrifying laugh, a laugh of sweet victory. The deer-like creature rushed at the starship, opened its mouth wide and chomped down on its head.

            “Holy crap!” Dean exhaled. “Good girl!”

            The creature began to consume the starship until only a pair of shoes were left. After finishing her meal, she tossed her head back, straightened her antennae and returned to Dean’s side like an obedient puppy.

            “That was… something,” Benny breathed.

            Dean patted the creature, and scrubbed behind her ears before sprinting forward to attack the leviathan still battling it out with his angel. “Cas!”

            Cas had just enough strength to catapult the leviathan off with just a sharp thrust of his knees, but he wasn’t strong enough to get back on his feet. “Come on,” Dean assisted, grabbing the angel’s arm to hoist him up. “You okay?”

            “Dean!” Benny shouted.

            Dean swung his blade around, separating the leviathan’s head from its shoulders and watching as it rolled across the black gooey grass. The creature that had befriended Dean and Cas tried to help by attacking one of the monsters from behind but the leviathan were a lot stronger than her, and with one swipe, she struck the ground.

            “I’ve got her, Dean,” Cas offered, taking off the head of the leviathan that had ruthlessly attacked her.

            Dean and Benny ganked the rest of the leviathan until there was nothing left but gore and black goo. Dean stepped over a rolling head to crouch next to the wounded creature. One red eye blinked open to gaze at him. “Hey,” he soothed, stroking the top of her head, “You done good out there, sweetheart.”

            “Keep her still, Dean,” Cas instructed, holding a brightly lit palm over the gash that had split the skin of her throat.

            “Easy,” Dean murmured to the stirring creature. He stroked her head gently, soothingly. Her wilted antennae lifted to probe his chest. One hoof kicked forward but after that, she was still. Dean felt as though the air had been siphoned out of his lungs. “Is she…” he started, too afraid to finish the question.

            “She’s been healed,” Cas said and pressed his palm to Dean’s arm instantly healing his wound, too.

            “When’s she gonna wake up?” he asked, finding it much easier to breathe now that he knew the heroic creature was going to survive.

            “In due time.”

            Cas stood, surveying the area for any more threats. Benny kept his distance from the creature, but he too was relieved that Cas was able to save her.

            “She’s a little more Purgatory, a little less Bambi,” Benny quipped to break the awkward silence.

            “We’ve gotta get her back to her family,” Dean said in a melancholy tone, “she won’t make it if she sticks with us.”

            Benny sighed and bowed his head defeated. “Guess we’re makin a detour.”

           

            After returning the creature to her family, it was just them. And Dean was missing his brother so much it hurt to breathe. The only comfort he attained was from his two friends; his Purgatory family. He gazed over at Cas, taking in the image of an angel dressed like a man, trench coat blood soaked and tattered, and still wearing his clothes given him by the mental hospital he had stayed in after scrubbing Sam’s brain clean of Satan. He was even still wearing the wristband. There were dirt tracks across his face, dark bags under his eyes, and he looked like Hell warmed over, but he was here. He felt the urge to grab Cas’ hand and squeeze and possibly never let go not even when they were safe and sound on the other side of the escape hatch.

         Cas spoke, however and Dean concentrated on his gritty voice instead of his own restless fingers.  “You’re going to miss it, but you will forget about it once you’re home, with your brother, and you start hunting again.”

        Sammy… What was he doing now? What about Kevin? Had he escaped Crowley with Sam’s help? Were they both waiting for him so they could work as a team to take down the rest of the leviathan?

        Wait, what? Once _you’re_ home?

            “Once _we’re_ home,” Dean corrected.

            “Right… of course,” Cas murmured with a small smile that did not touch his eyes.

            Benny’s voice cut through the tense silence. “You two can have your heart-to-heart when we’re outta here. Right now, we’ve gotta leave cause we still got a ways to go yet.”

            Dean slid off the boulder but Cas did not immediately follow suit. He continued to stare at the water as though suddenly hypnotized by the smooth unmoving reflection. “You don’t look that bad, Cas,” Dean joked, glancing over at the shifting, impatient vampire waiting for them.

            The angel lifted his head to pin Dean’s eyes. “I’ll catch up,” he said softly, too softly like he was reluctant to say words that were completely untrue.

            “Hey, look, if you need some time to think or whatever, you can do plenty of that while moving.”

            “I uh… I need time… alone,” Cas croaked, eyes serious and determined.

            “I’m not leavin you here just so the leviathans can have you for lunch,” Dean argued. “Either you come with us now or I don’t go.”

            Benny whistled this time. “Come on now! We need to get goin before nightfall!”

            “Dean…” Cas breathed in plea.

            “Pick one!” Dean stormed, holding his ground even as it threatened to crumble beneath his feet. “I mean it, man!”

            Cas slid off the boulder with a grunt of displeasure. “You stubborn ass,” he hissed at Dean on his way to Benny.

            “What?” Dean laughed, sprinting to catch up to him. “Did you just call me…”

            “Yes,” Cas spat without looking at him, “Because that is exactly what you are and have always been,” he added.

            Dean was unable to stop the grin from consuming his face. “Better a stubborn ass than a quitter.”

            Cas looked at him but his anger and frustration were slowly draining away to be replaced with a half-smile. Neither of them said anything. That smile said it all.

 

            Dean looked at Sam, a scowl on his face as he drove down the highway leading out of Winnipeg. “That was a bust,” he muttered. “Someone was obviously exaggerating the size of that hail.”

            “We could book a flight to Rome,” Sam suggested, glancing out the window to see frost covered prairie grass on one side while on his other he noticed a field of Flax.

            “We’ve gotta fly?” Dean swallowed, remembering his uneventful flight to Ireland and the amount of puke bags he had filled on his way there and back.

            “The more you do it, the easier it’ll get,” Sam told him.

            “Turbulence makes me queasy, man,” Dean whined.

            “So we’ll make sure to knock you out before take-off,” Sam bargained.

            Dean was suddenly grasping at straws. “Doesn’t it cost thousands of dollars to fly overseas? We can’t afford that.”

            “I can,” Sam said with a knowing smirk. “And it’s not that expensive if you know where to look.”

            Dean groaned and gripped tight to the steering wheel of his beloved impala. “I might never see you again, baby, so I guess this is goodbye.”

            “Get a grip, man, it won’t be that bad,” Sam laughed.

            “Says you,” Dean muttered.

 

            To Dean’s utter surprise and delight, he had been out for the entire flight. He didn’t even feel the wheels hit solid ground. It wasn’t until Sam shook his shoulder that he awoke. “Jesus, what did you give me?” he asked, getting to his feet and retrieving his carry-on.

            “Something strong,” Sam told him, “I’ve got more for the way back.”

            “You’re a good brother.”

            “I try.”

            They stepped out of the plane onto a carpeted runway. Other passengers bustled past them clearly in a hurry to get wherever they were going. “Wow! Rome, Man! Who knew?” Dean sighed, slinging his carry-on over his shoulder.

            Sam dragged his along behind him. “Too bad we’re not here to check out the sights.”

            “We’ll make sight-seeing our first priority once we’ve put a lid on Hell,” Dean promised. “Now, where we headed?”

            “Hotel Mirage, Dean,” Sam replied.

           

            Unlike most of their destination stops, they were forced to take a taxi to the motel, and the ride alone nearly killed them. Dean was sure the taxi driver had a lead foot and a freakin death wish. Dean groaned as he fell onto a hard mattress that may well have been a slab of stone. “Great,” he mumbled, his face smushed into the pillow. “How much did this dive cost?”

            “You don’t wanna know,” Sam muttered from the bed next to him.

            “All accommodations should be free as our reward for saving the world so many damn times.”

            “You’re asking a lot,” Sam said, already tapping at the keys on his tablet.

            “Wake me when you’ve got something,” Dean muffled into his pillow. He was drifting only to be roused by Sam’s loud yelp of shock.

            “Cas?”

            “Castiel,” the angel corrected, looking from Sam’s face to Dean’s. “Hello Dean.”

            “Don’t strain yourself, Castiel. What are you doin here?” Dean snorted, “I thought you didn’t need our help.”

Castiel’s expression was immovable, like solid marble, like the statue that sat, ugly and

ancient, in the hall just outside their room. “I don’t. I have found the tablet and I am on my way to Heaven now.”

            “You found the tablet?” Dean and Sam chorused at the same time.

            “Can we see it, Castiel?” Sam asked, adopting a warm and coaxing tone towards the angel.

            “That is ill-advised,” Cas said and glanced upward.

            “Why? You think the upper management douchebags are gonna throw a fit or something?” Dean snapped. “What the hell do they need the tablets for, anyway? Huh? It’s not like anyone other than God, his magic scribe and Kevin can actually read them!”

            Cas straightened. “I don’t ask questions, Dean. I do what I am told.”

            Dean leapt off the hard slab to confront the angel. “Ask questions, Cas! You weren’t afraid to do it before!”

            “I destroyed Heaven by asking questions,” Cas retorted, but there wasn’t an ounce of regret in his voice. There wasn’t anything. Talking to him was like talking to a wall. What was the point?

 

_Better a stubborn ass than a quitter!_

            Dean grabbed the angel’s arms and shook him, not that it did much good. The angel barely moved. “Dammit,” he cursed and stepped back, “son of a bitch!”

            A knock on the door of the motel sent their eyes veering to it at the same time. “Who is that?” Dean hissed.

            “Crowley,” Cas replied impassively. “He has come for the tablet.”

            “Zap us out of here,” Dean gasped.

            “The tablet is my concern, Dean.”

            Crowley’s voice penetrated the room, saccharine in tone, but clearly insincere. “You aren’t by chance harbouring a certain angel in there, are you?”

            “Cas,” Dean hissed then abruptly changed tack. “Castiel, you’re supposed to be our guardian. Please… zap us the hell out of here.”

            Cas glanced to Sam and tapped him gently on the forehead before doing the same to Dean. He had no idea where they had just landed only that it was dark and immensely high. “Sam!” He shouted, and his brother’s name echoed off the ancient stone, surrounding him.

            “Dean, where are you?”

            “No freakin clue! Where are you?”

            “Um… if I were to guess, I’d say… beneath the Coliseum,” Sam replied.

            Dean followed the sound of Sam’s voice into what looked like a football stadium without the crowd and about three thousand years older. “So Cas ditched us here and what… took off?”

            “Obviously, this isn’t the Cas we knew,” Sam spoke. “Is there a way out of here?”

            “I’m coming, man,” Dean said, finding the first flight of stairs and barreling down them at top speed. “How’s this for sight-seeing?” Dean joked, trying to make light of a no-win situation.

            “Ha ha,” Sam muttered. “It can’t really be considered sight-seeing if I can’t… you know… see.”

            “You’ve got a point.”

            “By the way, what’s the guardian agreement?” Sam asked. Dean was descending the next flight of stairs.

            “A load of crap,” Dean replied.

            Dean heard a low roar but thought it was his stomach. He hadn’t eaten since the plane took off early this morning.

            “Dean, hey man, I don’t think I’m alone down here,” Sam said, fear rising in his voice.

            “Rats?” Dean guessed, sprinting down into the stadium that had just recently been renovated.

            “No,” Sam choked.

            The low roar sounded again. “Sam?”

            “Dean, what the hell is going on?”

            Before Dean could even venture a guess, he was lifted and flung hard across the expanse of the ring, landing on his arm and rolling right into the stone benches. “Crowley,” Dean sputtered, trying to pull himself up.

            “Crowley will be next, but first, the two of you have to go.”

            Dean lifted his head and forced open one eye. Cas was standing there perfectly straight, his features no longer marred by emotions. He was that perfect marble statue, the soldier, and everything they had been through meant nothing to him, anymore. Dean meant nothing to him, anymore. “Cas…”

            “I was told to throw you in the pit with your brother.”

            “What’s in the pit?” Dean asked, glancing down.

            “Lions,” Cas replied smoothly.

            “Sam?” Dean hollered, banging on the thick ply wood. “Sammy!”

            “There’s no emergency escape hatch down here,” Sam shouted back, “And I think I might be living my worst nightmare.”

            “Let him out, you son of a bitch,” Dean growled, getting to his feet. “You wanna kill someone then kill me!”

            “It’s for the greater good that both of you die,” Cas explained, “You cause a lot of mayhem wherever you are. The world was on the edge of destruction because of the two of you. The Devil was released from his cage because of you. We have to eliminate the threat, and the threat currently… is you.”

            “Do you really believe that?” Dean choked. 

            “Yes,” the angel replied with a curt nod. He had no emotions, anymore. He didn’t really care if the brothers lived or died. He was following orders. Dean tried to breathe, but his lungs were suddenly drowning in tears. He still gave a damn about this angel! He still cared!

            “Why kill Sam?” he asked, fighting back the tears with all his strength and conviction.

            “He is as troublesome as you are,” Cas replied impassively.

            “He didn’t start anything; that was me! I’m the culprit behind the apocalypse! I broke the first seal and I let the devil in!”

            “Sam is the boy with the demon blood,” Cas stated.

            “Not anymore,” Dean breathed, his chin quivering as his brother continued trying to avoid man-eating lions. It would be his fault if he couldn’t save him. “Castiel, my brother is human. He’s human! I’m the one you want, okay? I started the friggin apocalypse! I break everything I touch—ask anyone, ask Bobby and Ellen and Jo and my parents! I’m a walking disaster, man. And my brother…” he sniffled. One rebellious tear scorched a path down his cheek; he was just too weak. “He just wants out. He wants to be normal, live an apple pie life. He deserves that.”

            Cas stepped back and nodded. “I will accept your plea for your brother’s life. If he has left behind the demon blood and he causes no more trouble, he should be allowed to live.”

            Dean sagged in relief and sadness. That was all he wanted to do. He just wanted to save his brother, to give him the life he deserved even if it happened to be without him in it.

            “Dean,” Sam gasped. He had been freed. Unable to hold back, he rounded on his brother, pulling him into a tight back breaking hug, a final hug. “Dean, what did you say? What’s going on?” Sam asked panic stricken.

            “I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you, Sammy,” Dean choked, clutching tighter. “You can leave hunting for good, now. You can go back to Amelia.”

            Sam wrenched himself back, gripping Dean’s shoulder hard. “Dean, what’s going on? Why are you talking like this?”

            “Sam, it’s time for you to go,” Cas told him, taking him by the arm.

            “Go?”

            “Yes. Dean has convinced me that you are no longer a threat so I’m letting you go.”

            Sam’s eyes welled up as Cas ushered him away from Dean. “No, wait… Cas, please… he’s my brother!”

            “Go home, Sam.”

            “Dean,” Sam whimpered. “Cas… I’m begging you… don’t do this.”

            Dean had to keep his emotions in check, keep his eyes off his pleading brother before he crumpled like tissue paper. He sucked back his tears and trembled as he confronted Cas. “Look, you wanna kill me, why don’t you nix the special effects, huh? I’d rather not be a lion’s happy meal.”

            Cas snapped his fingers and the droning roar beneath them was silenced. “You understand why I have to do this?” Cas asked, eyes unblinking, the blue suddenly glowing.

            “Yeah,” Dean choked, “I get that you’re back to bein a hammer to those douchebags upstairs. I get that you could give a rat’s ass what happens to me. I get that I screwed up.”

           A voice interrupted, a voice that caused Dean’s blood to boil and his stomach to writhe with hatred. “Do it quick, Castiel. This one is getting restless.”

            “Yes, Naomi,” he replied obediently and before Dean could put up defense, he was hurled across the arena. He struck the stone benches and toppled back down, causing his brother to cry out.

            “Cas stop!”

            “His name is Castiel,” Naomi purred. She had a hold on his brother, keeping him from launching forward. “And he has a job to do.”

            Dean tried to get to his feet but the emotionless angel grabbed him by the throat, hauled him up and thrust him into the wall.

            “Dean!” Sam howled painfully.

            “It’s okay… Sam,” he spluttered unable to inhale. He was choking. He was dying. “It’s gonna be okay… Sammy…”

            “Hurry up, Castiel, this shouldn’t be taking so long,” Naomi groaned effortlessly holding Sam back.

            Dean groped at the angel’s hands crushing down on his trachea. “I just need to say… something… Cas…”

            “Say it fast,” the angel demanded.

            “I figured out… why… I couldn’t… leave you… in Purgatory.”

            To Dean’s surprise, the angel’s fingers loosened and his eyebrows knitted together. “What?”

            “You let go because… you don’t think you deserve to be saved, but guess what? You’re not the only mess, here! You’re not the only one white knuckling it!”

            “Get to the point, Dean.”

            “Castiel,” Naomi called, clearly impatient with him for not following the orders as promptly as he should have been.

            Dean glanced to his brother who was still straining, but that now looked slightly hopeful. “I wanted you to come with me, Cas. I needed you to put all your guilt and all your regret aside and come with me!”

            “Dean…”

            “You don’t think my concern is necessary or whatever, well screw that! Best part of free will is that I can think and feel whatever the hell I want and you nor your angel buddies can stop me!”

            “Actually I _can_ stop you.”

            “Yeah, well you haven’t yet! Why is that, huh? What the hell are you waiting for, Cas? Just waste me if it’s so easy! Come on!”

            Cas stood there, hands loosely wrapped around Dean’s neck, eyes exposing his conflict. Dean was getting to him. He was reaching past the brain wash. “I can do this,” the angel gasped, tightening his grip.

            “Look at me, Cas.”

            “I can do this,” Cas mumbled again, avoiding Dean’s gaze.

            “Please Cas… look at me,” Dean tried again.

            “No,” Cas protested through grinding teeth. “No! I have orders!”

            “Screw the orders! Naomi is using you, man! She is using you! She doesn’t care! She dosed you with something! She poisoned you! And she turned you against me! Does that sound like someone who gives a damn about you? Huh?”

            “Shut up, Dean,” Cas growled.

            “Let me and Sam help you get through this,” Dean appealed softly. “Look at me, Cas.”

            He could feel Sam’s eyes trained on him, but he kept going. He was close to destroying Naomi’s hold on Cas.

           “Why are you doing this to me?” The conflicted angel choked, shaking his head.

           “Because I’m not losing you, again! I fought too hard to get you back and I finally have a chance to fix this and save you! You’re not letting go, this time, Cas!”

            The angel lifted his head to meet Dean’s eyes.

            Breakthrough!

           Sam’s laboured breathing could be heard as an echo around the arena joined by Dean’s thundering heart. Tears of relief sprang to his eyes.

          “Cas?” he called in a watery voice, “You alright, buddy?”

          The angel stumbled back, releasing Dean without warning. Dean crumpled only to swiftly pull himself up. Cas was slumped forward, gripping around his head and grimacing. He was in pain.

         “Naomi’s doing it, Dean,” Sam shouted. With one thrust of her powerful fist, his brother struck the wood and was knocked unconscious.

        “This whole charade of yours was sweet, Dean,” she murmured, walking in high heels towards him. “But insincere. You’re good at that, though, aren’t you?”

       “What are you doing to Cas?” Dean growled, grabbing the angel’s arm before he could topple.

       “I’ll be honest,” she started, moving her hair back behind her ears and straightening her lilac pantsuit. “You’ve been a thorn in our sides since Cas released you from Hell. Cas is a soldier, Dean. And because of you, he rebelled. He took your side when he was supposed to be on ours.” She sighed heavily. “I don’t like you.”

      “The feeling is more than mutual, bitch,” Dean hissed.

      “You can’t have him, Dean. He belongs to us. He belongs to God. The idea that he could be…” she scoffed, “ _your_ angel is absurd.”

      Dean stood up straighter. “He made his choice! You and your bosses can’t accept that, well, too damn bad!”

      “I’m taking him home, tonight. Right now, I’m eliminating any memories he ever had of you or your brother and you will never see him again.” She smiled victoriously. “You should say goodbye now while he still remembers who you are.”

      Dean had no possible way of killing her but he wanted to. Hatred writhed in him like a pit of snakes. He turned to face Cas, grabbing his other arm to keep them both from collapsing. The angel was still grimacing, pain permanently etched into his features. “Cas?”

      He groaned in response, buckling at the knees and forcing Dean to prop him up as best he could.

     “She’s making you forget me, forget Sam. I need you to… fight. Come on, Cas, please! Fight her off! I know it’s hard cause that bitch is too freakin strong, but you’re stronger! I know you are!” Dean cursed and bit down on his bottom lip. “Remember me, Cas!” he pleaded now.

      The angel whimpered and fell to his knees. Dean was asking too much of him. He was in pain. He was fighting Naomi so hard that blood poured from his nose. He was fighting to his death. And he was doing it for Dean—again. Dammit!     

     “Stop,” Dean demanded his tone gentle as he gripped around the angel’s face. “Cas, stop… you’re dying.”

      Tears spilled out of the angel’s eyes as he leveled them with Dean’s. “I don’t want… to forget you… not again,” Cas choked.

     “Yeah, well, I’m not gonna let you die so we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

     “I’m forgetting Purgatory, Dean,” Cas admitted, “the memories… I can’t hold onto them.”

      Dean dropped his forehead to Cas’s and closed his eyes briefly. “I’ll stay, okay? I’ll be here until you can’t remember who I am. I won’t leave you, Cas.” He was better off mind wiped than dead. Dean was better off, too.

     “I should say this… before it’s… too late,” Cas murmured, groaning in response to more pain as the memories of Dean and Sam were sliced out of him.

    “Cas, if you’re going to apologize, or give me some pointless hallmark goodbye speech, save your breath. Let’s not go there. This is hard enough without adding crap like that.”

     Cas managed a laugh through the blinding pain. “I wasn’t going for… hallmark.”

    “Then what exactly were you goin for? Some kind of Disney chick flick moment?”

    “I don’t understand,” the angel admitted, eyes still managing that befuddled look despite the pain he was in.

    “Forget it, Cas.”

    “I love you, Dean,” the angel professed without letting a pause fall for contemplation. “I always have.”

    “Jesus,” Dean gasped, "you can't just spring something like that on someone!"

    “I apologize,” the angel murmured.

    “Look.” Dean gestured back over his shoulder. “The bitch is watching us like a friggin hawk. And Sam’s still out cold. If we're gonna do something, we need to do it, now. Just...” the panic was eating at him, "just tell me what to do, man."

    Cas inhaled sharply, eyes blazing. “I still remember Sam.”

   Dean could hear the tap, tap, tap of Naomi’s shoe on the floor of the arena. He gritted his teeth and fought back a wave of pain and grief similar to what he had experienced when he had watched Cas walk into the lake and vanish in a swirl of inky black nothingness. This was worse. This was way worse because all he could do was watch as his friend slowly slipped away, his eyes slowly losing that spark of remembrance. Soon they would be as blank as he remembered them being when he had met Emanuel.  

    “You’ll be okay, Dean,” Cas murmured, gazing at him with those eyes, the same eyes that gave him purpose, gave him hope, had just opened him up to love.

    “No,” Dean choked, “I won’t be okay, Cas…” He was losing him, again. He was letting go. He didn’t want him to let go. He wanted to fight a hell of a lot harder than he did in Purgatory.

 

_Better a stubborn ass than a quitter!_

    He _was_ stubborn. Damn right he was! He was a stubborn ass and he wasn’t letting him let go, not again. He had said enough. Words just didn’t cut it, anymore. He had to act or he would lose Cas for good. He inched forward and was shocked by what he found. Beneath a warm, yielding mouth was warmth he had never known could possibly exist. The warmth travelled through him slowly at first then faster as the kiss progressed. He should have felt awkward kissing a male vessel, but he didn’t, because he wasn’t kissing Jimmy, he was kissing Cas. He was flooded with images and sounds and smells of his childhood, all of which were moments when he was happiest. Mom’s apple pie cooling on the counter, fireworks going off in an empty field, AC/DC cranked in the impala when he was learning to drive; Sammy’s laugh; Mom’s lullaby that always ended with “I love you, Dean.” and Dad hoisting him up into his arms and laughing right from the gut. The aroma of home tickled his nose… and he gripped the angel’s shoulders in an effort to hold on. He was remembering home before it all went to hell. He thought he would never remember it. He thought he would never feel as content or happy as he did in that moment.

    Cas pulled back and Dean was forced to inhale sharply, catching himself before he collapsed. Tears had slipped down his cheeks and he swiftly cleared them. So that’s what it was like to kiss an angel! Cas stood. He no longer seemed to be on the verge of a mental breakdown. He was calm.

   “Uh… Cas?” Dean breathed his voice uneven and raspy. He stood, too. “Are you…”

   He said nothing. He didn’t even look at Dean as he casually walked over to Naomi. His memories were gone. Dean was forced to face it like he was forced to face Cas letting go purposely in Purgatory. His heart split into fragments, slicing and dicing as he made his way to his brother’s side. They needed to get the hell out of Rome—now!

   “Are you ready to go, Castiel?” Naomi asked, glancing briefly down at Dean and Sam without an ounce of concern, just indifference as though they were just two insignificant pebbles she easily could have kicked away.

   “Of course,” Cas said. “I understand my mission, now. I know where I belong.”

   Naomi grinned at him. “Good, I’m glad to hear that, and upper management will be thrilled to have you back.”

   Cas nodded but the nod was stiff. Dean gripped around his brother’s arm but he didn’t move from that spot. He was going to wait until Cas was gone, really gone, trench coat and all.

   “I just need to do… one thing,” he added and looked over at Dean, catching his eyes but not holding them.

  “What, Castiel?”

    She did not see the blade until it was too late, until it was lodged in her chest where her heart should have been but clearly wasn’t. “That,” Cas replied, pushed the blade in even further then pulled it out in one swift motion, the gleaming surface now covered in blood. Naomi pitched forward with a gasp, her mouth forming an O of surprise. Soon, a blaze of light began to bleed from her eyes, nose and mouth exploding outward until she was engulfed in it. Dean shut his eyes, but he was reeling with an unsuppressed amount of joy. The bitch was dead! Finally!

   And Cas was back!

 

  “Dean?” Sam spoke, eyes still glued shut.

   Dean gazed down at him. “Sammy?”

  “So Cas loves you, huh?”

   As Naomi’s grace began to dissipate, Sam opened his eyes, a smile blooming on his face. “You were out cold,” Dean hissed, “I saw you take that hit, man.”

   “Dean, I’m a really good actor,” Sam told him, pulling himself up to face his brother. “And I figured that if Naomi thought I was really out cold, she wouldn’t see the need to kill me.”

   “Jesus! That was…”

   “What? Stupid?” Sam quipped about ready to defend his decision.

   “No, man, clever,” Dean replied.

   Sam gripped Dean’s shoulder and nodded. “Yeah well, you didn’t need me for this particular battle, anyway. I was better off playing dead while you… you know, did what you had to do.”

   Dean helped Sam to his feet and glanced briefly over to the motionless angel gazing down at his now dead sister. “Cas?”

   The angel lifted his head and turned to face them in one smooth motion. “I’m okay, Dean,” he promised then flashed a smile at Sam, “That was quite the clever form of trickery, my friend.”

   “Thanks, Cas,” Sam laughed. “Being called clever twice in one day is gonna give me a complex.”

   “Yeah, well, don’t get used to it,” Dean retorted, but he was smiling and he simply couldn’t stop smiling no matter how hard he tried. “All in all, good day.”

   Cas cleared his throat and approached the brothers. “We should go. Upper management should be sending someone to collect Naomi, and we don’t want to be here when they arrive.” Without a warning, Cas touched Sam’s forehead then Dean’s, teleporting both to a tourist infested part of Rome where a fountain loomed high over them.

   Sam was the first to point out where they were with excitement. “This would have been my first stop if I had been here to sight-see and not battle it out with an angel.”

   “You would’ve checked out a fountain? Why?” Dean laughed, turning to try and comprehend why his brother looked so fascinated.

   “This isn’t just any fountain, Dean; this is the Trevi fountain. It’s a phenomenal piece of Roman history. There’s even a legend attached to it that states, if you toss a coin over your shoulder into the fountain, you’re destined to return to Rome.”

   “Man, I forgot how much of a nerd you are,” Dean laughed.

   “Got a coin?”

   Dean rifled through the pockets of his jeans and jacket and was surprised to find a penny hiding in the folds. He tugged it out and handed it to Sam. “Hey uh… if you do decide to come back, maybe you could bring uh… Amelia with you. I bet she’s as big a nerd about this stuff as you are.”

   Sam clutched the penny tight in his fist and smiled. “I think it’s high time you met her, Dean,” he admitted, turned around and flicked the penny high up over his shoulder. The gentle splash indicated to both brothers that the penny had found its destination and was now sinking to the bottom of the legendary fountain.

   Dean gripped Sam’s shoulder and squeezed. “Yeah, man, you’re right.”

   Glittering moisture emerged in Sam’s eyes and Dean sighed heavily. “Come on, Sammy, don’t do that. It’s not cool. We’re in Rome.”

   Sam nodded, took a breath and forced a laugh, but the tears remained; they would have spilled over, too, if Cas hadn’t arrived when he did.

   “What took you so long, Cas? You decide to hold a funeral or something?”

    Cas rolled his eyes and closed the distance between them. “No. I was… searching for Crowley.”

   Sam was immediately alert, tears gone. “Oh crap! We forgot about him. Where is he? Is he here?”

   “No, Sam. He’s long gone. I have sent him on a… wild… goose… chase,” Cas replied with a sassy grin. Dean was impressed.

   “Really?”

   “Really,” Cas said. “I’ve heard those can be… hell.”

   Dean laughed, but Sam still had a question. “What kind of wild goose chase?”

   “I have sent him on a search for another tablet. He thought that Naomi still had control of my thoughts so he didn’t question it when I spilled another location.” He straightened. “Of course, I didn’t give him the right location.”

   “Are you sayin you know where the next God rock is?” Dean asked, lowering to the edge of the fountain.

   Cas lifted his eyes. “Yes.”

   “Where is it?” Sam asked.

   The angel cleared his throat. “Australia, Melbourne specifically.”

   “Haven’t been there, yet,” Sam said.

   “Do you need us for this?” Dean asked, “I should remind you now, that we’re human so…”

   “I was not in my right mind when I said that, Dean. Of course, I need you. I need both of you.”

   Sam grinned and nudged Dean’s shoulder. “Might not be a backpacking experience or anything, but hell, I’m not complaining.”

    Dean chuckled. “Right so… we gonna jet now, or…?”

   “Not yet,” the angel murmured and turned to face Sam. “Where to, first, Sam?”

   “Huh?” Sam stood there stunned. “Uh…”

   “I understand you want to… sight-see. Where to, first?”

   Sam laughed and poked the angel’s chest. “Ah, I see! You wanna get rid of me, don’t you? So the two of you can have… a moment.” He winked and Dean punched his shoulder hard. “Ow,” he whimpered, massaging the now tender skin where there would definitely be a mark.

   “Go do your sight-seein thing, man!”

   “Oh fine,” Sam groaned, “The Pantheon.”

   Cas nodded, touched the hunter’s forehead and teleported Sam to his first destination.

Meanwhile, the couple remained in front of the Trevi fountain. The cobblestone streets were busy with tourists, but they paid no attention to the hunter and his angel. Dean stood in front of Cas, smiled down at him, and embraced him around the shoulders with both arms. Cas had yet to respond.

“Don’t leave me hangin, man,” Dean laughed, “Or this is gonna look really awkward.”

The angel returned the hug, finally, and for a few long-standing moments, they stayed like that. “Eventually, you’re gonna have to hug Sam, too, you know,” Dean teased on Cas’ shoulder.

Cas nodded, separating the hug to gaze at Dean. “I want to apologize…”

“Don’t,” Dean interrupted, gripping the angel’s shoulder. “You weren’t yourself. I know that.”

“That’s not why I want to apologize, Dean,” Cas said, voice softer, warmer.

“Cas, come on,” Dean pleaded now. “It’s fine.”

“I shouldn’t have let go.”

Dean felt his heart stumble in his chest. “You had your reasons, Cas,” he managed.

“They weren’t good enough. I had promised to be there… with you… and I broke that promise. I let you down.”

Dean backed up to sit on the edge of the fountain, again, patting the spot beside him for Cas to join. After a hesitant pause, the angel finally did. “Yeah, you let go, and yeah I was pissed that you did, but you’re here now. The past is the past, man, and that’s it. We move on. We find the god rocks, plug the Hell hole and we keep going—together.” He chuckled and elbowed Cas’s ribs. “You’ll make a decent hunter with a bit more practise and Sam and I continuing to train you.”

“Thanks, Dean. I appreciate that.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah uh… no problem. So uh… I just have one thing to add.”

“No zapping around?” Cas guessed, folding his hands on his lap.

“Alright, two things,” Dean said then cleared his throat. “If you find yourself white knuckling it, again, don’t just assume you can handle it and take off. We’ve all been there, man. We’ve all thought about layin down at some point, but one thing I know is you can’t tough it out alone. And you don’t have to, okay? You have me and you have Sam. Put the past in your rearview and decide to fight, decide to keep going.”

Cas smiled down at his hands. “I forgot how much you like your speeches.”

“Don’t knock ‘em. I put a lot of work into ‘em,” Dean quipped with a cheeky grin.

Cas nodded and turned partway to face him. “Okay, Dean, I’ll fight.” He was about to stand when Dean grabbed his arm.

“Where you goin?”

Cas gazed at him slightly bewildered. “I was… going to bring Sam back here.”

“We’re not done,” Dean laughed, tugging him back down. “Not by a long freakin shot.”

“Another speech?” the angel asked.

“Nah, I’m done talking.”

Cas blinked at him puzzled unable to put two and two together, which made this next move so much easier for Dean. Before the angel could ask what Dean meant, the hunter gripped his arms, hooked his fingers into the material of the angel’s trench coat and tugged him forward into another kiss.

 

 


End file.
